Naturally, young people talk with friends more than their parents, but I don’t know many youth who don’t want to have good communication with their parents. Youth not only need, but also want to have parent’s advice and support. Here are some suggestions on how to build an honest and open communication with your parents.
Talk Every Day – even about the small things
How many of you come home from school, or hanging out with friends and have a parent ask you how you’re doing, or how your day went? Do you answer, or just walk off and do your own thing? It’s probably easier just to ignore the questions, but as with everything, the more you do it, the easier it gets. Talking to your parents (or adult’s in your life) about the small, even insignificant things helps build a bond that can make it easier for when you need to discuss something more significant.
The past doesn’t matter.
If your relationship with your parents is strained, try easing into conversations. Go with the moment…comment on how good the dinner was; ask how their day went. Try talking (sincerely) about something your parent’s are interested in. Talking with parents every day can help a strained relationship get stronger.
When you and your parents feel connected, it makes it easier when something really important comes up.
Talk about small things every day. Talk about how a kid at school wore the same shirt you did. Talk about how much you liked tonight’s dinner. I think you get what I’m saying. Just talk. The more you talk, the easier it gets and the more you build rapport with your parent’s.
Need to say something important and don’t quite know how to start?
Maybe you failed a test. Maybe you got a speeding ticket. Maybe you're feeling nervous about telling your parents about your new boyfriend or girlfriend.
Below are three suggestions to help you ease into that conversation. However, there are some key aspects that must be adhered to when having a conversation (with anyone). Be clear, be direct and be honest. Do not "beat around the bush." Do not whine. This is the only way to gain respect and have people be willing to listen to you.
Suggestion 1. What Do You Hope to Achieve?
This will not only help you communicate with your parent’s, or other adult(s), but it will help you in every relationship throughout your life. Knowing what you want to achieve will help you decide how you’re going to say what you need to say.
Most often you'll probably want one or more of the following from your parent’s:
• Just listen and understand. Don’t comment or offer advice.
• Give permission or support for something
• Offer help without commentary (unless specifically requested)
• Tell you what do
Once you know this, role-play (even if you’re all alone).
Here are some ideas:
• "Mom, I need to tell you something, but I just need you to listen. OK?"
• "Dad, I need to ask you a favor. Can I talk to you now?"
• "Mom, something happened today that I need your advice on. Do you have time to talk?"
Suggestion 2. What Are You Afraid Of?
Are you nervous, or afraid that telling parents might be embarrassing, or might disappoint or upset them? Maybe you think your parent’s will be un-supportive, or harsh.
Again, role-play:
• "Mom, I need to talk, but I'm afraid you’ll get mad."
• "Dad, I need to talk to you about something, but it's kind of embarrassing."
• "Mom, I have to tell you something. You might be mad, but I still really need to tell you. Can we talk?"
Suggestion 3. Timing is Everything
Just like you, your parent’s have had a long, busy day. They too may have things on their mind and may need some "alone time."
Waiting until things are calm can make a huge improvement in the reaction you will receive.
Nobody can accurately anticipate every time how a conversation will turn out. A lot depends on the personalities involved. Some are easy to talk to. Some are more difficult to talk to. However, based on the above suggestions, the way you approach the conversation can influence how well a parent listens and understands you.
And Finally… Be Respectful
After appropriately applying the above suggestions, you may, or may not get the response you were hoping for. As was stated earlier, a lot has to do with the personality of the person you are talking to. You will have to determine for yourself if you think these suggestions will help, or if you want to give them a try at all. Generally speaking, though, this does give you an outline of what can work, if all parties desire a positive outcome.
One last comment: What better way to gain respect of the adults in your life than to be respectful yourself. If you approach a conversation with hostility, or nervousness, you will receive hostility and nervousness in return. If you approach a conversation calmly and respectfully, knowing that you still might not get the answers you are hoping for, you will gain respect of those with whom you are speaking. That respect will lead to other more positive conversations.
Give these tips a try and let me know how you're doing. If you have suggestions for me, after trying these out, please let me know and I'll include your comments. It might be very helpful for others in your situation.
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