Death of a Pet

by Anne Kirby Chelius

The telephone rings. It is the vet. He tells you that Trixie died.

Trixie! Your beloved cocker spaniel who has been part of the family for ten years. How will you tell the kids? How will they handle it?

Following are some suggestions from the AACAP (American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry) as well as some books by noted child psychologists as Helen Fitzgerald.

Much of how your child will react depends on their age. Two and three year olds will react to your emotions. – they do not fully understand the concept of death.

Four to six year olds – don’t quite understand the permanence of death and will often feel like the dog may return.

Seven to nine year olds do understand death and it may raise in them fears that people they love might die.

Children over the age of nine understand the finality of death. It is important to be aware of how they are processing their natural grief.

At any age – the following suggestions are appropriate.

Don’t tell your child that Trixie was “put to sleep”. This term can engender fear in them of going to bed. You do not want them to become confused about sleep and death.

Don’t tell them that Trixie “went away”. Again, there is no closure in this and they will anticipate her return.

Most importantly – don’t replace the pet immediately. Your child needs the opportunity of experiencing grief and you can assist them in expressing it and feeling it. Replacing a pet immediately gives an indication that they were not really that important and we can always get another.

Tell them yourself. Chose a quiet place way from other distractions. While telling them – touch them, hold them and also allow your grief to show. They need at this time, the physical closeness of you and they also need to know that grief is both acceptable and appropriate.

To give your child closure and to assist them in accepting that Trixie is forever gone and will not return – help them plan some type of memorial service.

If it is possible to bury your pet in your backyard they can make a project of constructing some kind of marker or tomb stone. When we sold our last house – the unknowing buyer did not know that they were really buying a Pet Cemetery!

Make this service a celebration of the pet’s life and all that they meant to you. Encourage the child to write some nice things they remember or draw a picture of the pet or something the pet liked. Tell your children that you want this service to celebrate what a great, special and important friend Trixie was.

Teaching them to honor the memory and celebrate the good things about the pet helps them to understand that death is just the completion of the Circle of life.

It is important to closely watch how they are reacting. Many children may experience guilt and feel blame. They forgot to feed Trixie and maybe that is why she died.

Others - -particularly younger children may need extra closeness and reassurance – that you – their Mom - -will not also die and leave them.

They may have trouble sleeping and need your presence and reassurance. If they mention their sorrow – let them know that it is okay to feel that way – but encourage them to talk about the good times they had with Trixie and cute things that she did.

As traumatic as this event is for you and your family - -realize that it is an extremely important learning lesson for your children. The death of a pet introduces for the first time to many children the finality of the event. How you help them to both accept the death and express their grief will be an invaluable lesson when a person close to them dies.

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